Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Still Learning To Be Myself

That whole 'bloom where you are planted' saying keeps going through my mind today, and I have to admit, I haven't.  I just plain have not allowed myself to bloom at all the past decade.  I have not really ever liked this part of PA, nor living here, and it wasn't my idea or in my plans.  Hubby is from here, his family still lives here, and we rent our home from his parents.  It is lovely, I won't lie.  It sits on just over 120 acres of gorgeous farm land with wooded areas, crop land, 2 creeks that end up bordering 3 sides of the property, and crazy wildlife abounds.  Turkey flocks, whitetail deer, fox, coyote, rabbits, eagles, hawks, owls, songbirds, the occassional falcon and random odd black bear.  Pastures, barn, outdoor riding arena, and we're allowed to keep a few horses, which is very nice.  I do get all that.  Honestly I do.

However, I just do not love it here, I don't feel at home here, and have lived here a total of 12 years.  He doesn't visit his family, other than seeing his parents and sister at Easter, Christmas Eve, an occassional dinner for a graduation, 4th of July, or something like an occassional birthday, etc.  They live 6 miles away, his mom comes over everyday to take care of her horse and his youngest sister's horse.  Still, they don't talk.  It's sad really.

On the other hand, back home, my aunts, uncles, cousins; man, we just were at one another's houses all the time.  Coffee, chit chat, what ever.  As in daily.  Seriously, daily.  I know my cousins down to like 4th & 5th man, and it's nice.  Really, really nice.   I love having family around, love knowing people that care and will be there are able to you know, be there.  I like my aunties, and how they are with one another, with all of us.  There is none of that here.  At all.  Did I mention I find it sad?  So very sad.  Then there is the fact that is is humid back here, and my arthritis does not appreciate that, nor do I.  Sticky air, so not cool man. Ugh.  And gross dude, so gross.  Yuck. 

All of that said, it remains a fact that I live here, in south central PA.  I want to move, my husband is very willing to do that, and we just can't right now.  So, here is where I live.  I need to stop refusing to bloom.  I need to let myself grow and be who I am supposed to be, and stop getting in my own way.  I have found a few places and things I am growing to love around this little city, and I dearly and deeply love that my four children are close by.  Two are within 20 minutes, one at about 40 minutes, and the other is half an hour when she's not at college.  It's so nice.  I just spent today with the youngest having lunch, thrift shopping, browsing our fave used book store where she finds Austen and Shakespeare, and grabbing coffee at our very fave coffee shop and they use locally roasted beans. 

Is it enough?  I'm not entirely sure yet, but I am more willing than ever I've been to give it a honest try.